Bidding Farewell to a Family Home: Holding on to Memories, Letting Go of Burdens

Written By Marty Stevens-Heebner

As part of our commitment to providing expert perspectives, we proudly feature contributions from Marty Stevens-Heebner, Founder of AgeWise Alliance -- celebrated author, and senior services specialist. This personal narrative is her latest contribution to AgeWise Alliance’s blog.

"I was born, bred, and built rugged in Buffalo." When people ask me where I grew up, that's what I proudly declare.

Nostalgia is a funny thing, isn't it? One moment, you're living in the present, and the next, a memory floods your brain, and you're instantly transported back in time. If you, like me, were rooted in your family home, emotions aplenty rear up when it's time to let go of your old family homestead.

My dad passed away in my childhood home in 2013. I’d often thought of what it would be like to drive past the old family homestead—the place where I felt so deeply rooted ever since we moved there in 1966. I was just five years old when we became its first inhabitants. It wasn’t until a full decade later, in 2023, that I felt ready to return, and to soak in the memories that it held.

This month is the 10th anniversary of my 90-year-old dad’s passing in the bedroom he’d shared with my mom, who passed away in 1988. She’d only been 58 and he never remarried. She was the love of my dad’s life.

We’d sold that house in Buffalo as part of my father’s estate. I’d been living in California for decades by the time I bade farewell to the family homestead, and the big wad of conflicting feelings that stormed in surprised me.

Nostalgia and loss showed up, but so did warmth and wonder. I vividly remember that deluge of emotions as I drove to the corner of Ranch Trail and Red Oak Drive to see the bushes in front of that two-story home with towering maple trees in the backyard. 

Those trees grew from "helicopter" seeds gathered with my father's father near his home on Long Island when I was seven. Just before my father died, he mentioned that those trees had become so immense and woven into the power lines in the backyard that the city was sending someone each year to trim the branches back.

Discoveries and Memories that Never Fade

As I gazed at that house from where I sat parked on the street, my mind’s eye lit up with the details of the interior as they had been when I grew up there. If I close my eyes, I can recall the details of the interior, especially those that were never replaced: the dated wood paneling in the family room, the living room carpet, and the wallpaper in my old bedroom. I'll always remember the weird shapes my 5-year-old mind perceived in that wallpaper.

I envisioned the basement, where my mother had done laundry for so many years and where I'd helped her iron the linens when I was a little girl – a penny for a pillowcase and a nickel for a bedsheet. I spent most of my earnings on candy and bubble gum. No wonder I had so many cavities.

In 2013, when I was clearing out the basement after dad died, I realized I'd never peered up into its rafters. As I finally did so, I spied a beautiful long wooden box resting up there. I pulled it down, gently opened it, and actually gasped out loud -- like it had been waiting all those years to be found. What I discovered stopped me in my tracks and brought a rush of emotion I hadn't expected.

Inside lay skillfully handmade arrows that my teenage dad had made during his archery days. They lay alongside the block of wax he used on his bowstring to keep it from fraying. There was also a notebook in which, I think, he documented each arrow's accuracy.

I wanted to ask him whether I was right, to hear him reveal the stories behind those arrows. But he was no longer there to tell me. That moment of stark realization has come to mind many times over the years while I’ve worked with clients as it became their turn to sort through their parents’ legacy of belongings. I’ve watched the full knowledge of their parents’ absence overrun their face, and I feel a kindred though timeworn maw open within myself. 

The Wild Range of Emotions when Sorting your Parent’s Belongings

The next day or so after the discovery of his arrows, I was clearing out another part of the basement and discovered all the tax returns he’d kept - dating back to 1957! Poignancy departed. I stood, shaking my head in annoyance and amusement, though more so the former. All those returns became 200 pounds of tiny paper fragments once I’d lugged everything to Staples and shoved it in their shredding bins.

In this case, dad was very lucky not to be there as I spouted every curse word I knew in English, Spanish, Greek, French, and in any other language I could remember. 

Backyard Maple Trees and the Roots that Remain: Grief, Aging, and Transition

Dad and I planted those gorgeous maple trees together (though, given my age then, I suspect he did all the work). As the trees crept up in height, they became my physical marker of the passage of time and my life.

I had no idea if the trees would still be still there or if the new owners might have cut them down. But there they stood, still entwined with the wires, and I found that surprisingly touching.

So many memories reside in every part of that home. Memories of love, loss, and fits of silly giggles – all the usual and unique things that tell the story of a life and family. As difficult as some moments were, I kept reminding myself to embrace all of it, and I hope you'll remember to do the same.

When Homes Become History—and What Comes Next

Visiting a family home—especially one you’ve said goodbye to—brings a swirl of memory and meaning. But for many families, the goodbye comes not in a trip down memory lane, but during a difficult season of transition.

At AgeWise Alliance, we often see adult children grappling with questions like:

• Is it time for my parent to move out of the home they’ve lived in for decades?

• How can I even begin to talk about this without upsetting them—or myself?

• What if something happens and I regret not acting sooner?

If you're starting to ask these questions, our blog post, 10 Signs Your Aging Parent May Need Help at Home, can be an eye-opener. It gently walks you through the small, often overlooked clues that signal it might be time for additional help—or a change in their living environment.

And if you're overwhelmed trying to figure out what support looks like—downsizing, in-home care, or having that first hard conversation—that's exactly why AgeWise Alliance exists. We connect you with experienced and compassionate professionals who can help you make informed decisions during life's most challenging transitions.

So when the time comes for your family to say goodbye to a beloved home, know that you don't have to do it alone.

Let the memories matter. Let the support in. And let AgeWise Alliance walk with you as you turn the page.

Why I started AgeWise Alliance

It's worth noting: moments like these, sorting through decades of memories, navigating estates, and wondering how to honor a loved one's life—are why I created AgeWise Alliance.

Too often, families are left feeling overwhelmed, uncertain about where to begin, and wishing they'd had more support along the way. AgeWise Alliance exists to make these transitions easier by offering trusted resources, compassionate guidance, and a network of experienced and trusted professionals who understand just how emotional and complicated these seasons can be.

About Marty Stevens-Heebner

Marty Stevens-Heebner, President of NASMM and founder of AgeWise Alliance, brings over 12 years of experience supporting older adults and their families through life's toughest transitions. She recently released her compassionate, game-changing guide, How to Move Your Parents (and Still Be on Speaking Terms)—a must-have resource packed with real-life stories and expert wisdom. As a certified senior services professional, Marty combines personal insight with in-depth industry knowledge to help families navigate the challenges of downsizing, relocation, and aging with clarity and care. 

Through AgeWise Alliance, she connects families to experienced and trusted professionals who truly understand the emotional and logistical complexities of later-life moves. Marty and her team continue to advocate for seniors throughout Southern California—ensuring they have access to the respectful, skilled support they deserve.

About AgeWise Alliance

AgeWise Alliance provides the answers and professionals that older adults and their families need to navigate the challenges of later life. From finding trusted professionals in legal, caregiving, and financial planning to offering practical resources and expert advice on senior living communities and insurance, we make the later life shift easier for everyone.

Visit AgeWiseAlliance.com or follow us on Instagram at @agewisealliance to learn more about how we can support you and your loved ones.