It’s Time to Talk: A Loving Guide to End-of-Life Conversations
- AgeWise Alliance
- 22 hours ago
- 5 min read
“There’s something I want to talk to you about, Dad.”
When my dad was in his mid-80s, I happened across a New York Times article about the importance of having end-of-life conversations with your parents—and it hit home.
I knew this couldn’t happen over the phone. So the next time I visited my dad in Buffalo, I waited for a calm, quiet moment. One crisp winter afternoon, during a walk through the neighborhood, I gently told him, “There’s something I really need to talk to you about, Dad.”
I continued with the words I’d mentally rehearsed. “I don’t care who gets what. That’s not important to me,” I said. I could see I had his full attention, and that his mind was finding a perch for what I was about to ask. “I just want to know your will, your healthcare directive - that all of your estate plan is put together and rock solid legally. I don’t want to have to grieve you and then have to fight, too.”
He nodded slightly and told me everything my sisters and I would need was documented and had been signed. His tone was confident and reassuring. We were having The Conversation, and the only difficult thing had been getting the initial words out of my mouth. The gift he provided that day was one beyond measure: peace of mind.
Later, back at home, he even showed me where to find all his estate planning papers in his desk’s file drawer. “Here’s the will. There’s the trust. These are the bank accounts. And here’s the safe deposit box key.” I hadn’t realized until that moment how much he trusted me. E In fact, he seemed relieved that I’d asked him about it.
Marty Stevens-Heebner, Founder & CEO
If You’re Dreading This Talk—You’re Not Alone
Whether you’re preparing to speak with your aging parent or guiding a client through these sensitive topics, end-of-life conversations are difficult. But when done with care, they can be incredibly meaningful and even comforting.
And yet, while 90% of Americans say talking with loved ones about end-of-life care is important, only 27% have actually documented their wishes in a legal format, such as a living will or advance directive (The Conversation Project).
If not, this disconnect creates confusion and conflict during already emotional times. That’s why starting the conversation now before a crisis hits can be one of the most caring things you do.
5 Tips Before You Start the Conversation
Choose a Relaxed Moment: Pick a calm, unhurried time when everyone’s at ease. Avoid holidays or family gatherings as they are often emotionally loaded and full of distractions. Instead, you may want to meet on Zoom or Facetime. This will most likely be a series of discussions as opposed to just one conversation. This isn’t something to rush. It’s a time to listen to your parents about a time in the future they’re probably very worried about.
Use a Tone of Collaboration, Not Authority: This isn’t about issuing orders. I’s about working together to honor their wishes. Instead of “You need to do this,” try “Have you thought about...?” or “What would feel right to you?” Tell them you want to know how they want their future years to be so that you’re not guessing what they would have wanted - or worse, fighting over it with the rest of your family.
It’s About Their Wishes, Not Their Assets: Be clear that this is about their care and their legacy, not about their belongings and bank accounts. It’s finding out how they’d like to be supported and cared for when the time comes. When you approach the conversation with compassion and a collaborative tone, it helps create a sense of safety. This isn’t about pushing for answers or rushing decisions - it’s about opening a door to future peace of mind for everyone involved.
Be Patient and Let Emotions be What They Are: These are tender topics and can be triggering. It’s okay if they, or you, feel hesitant, teary, or overwhelmed. Let that be part of the process. Don’t shy away from how you feel. Express them aloud to them. Chances are, they’re feeling it, too.
Decisions Take Time: These conversations are hard, and they take a while. Reassure them that final decisions don’t have to be made right away; you’re just opening up the conversation. Allow for space in between so you both can move through the emotions and process the next steps. Stay persistent, compassionate, but persistent.
Set realistic expectations. You might say,“It’s okay not to feel ready yet! Let’s just start talking about some possibilities, what you think you'll want. Talking it through now gives us plenty of time to understand what feels comfortable to you, so when the time comes, we’re making decisions that truly reflect your wishes.”
Ask Questions that Invite Conversation, Not Interrogation
Hold off on any legal details until you’re all well into the discussion. Start with some open-ended questions and just let them talk. Be curious and ask follow up questions that pop into your head. You might find out some great family history you knew nothing about!
While every family’s different, here are a few questions you might consider asking:
What was later life like for your parents and your grandparents?
What do you want your later life to be like?
What do you want your legacy to be?
What do you imagine life will look like for your children or those you love after you're gone?
Reflective questions like these can open the door to deeper understanding for the entire family.
No Decisions are Set in Stone
Once this conversation begins, your parents may rethink some of their ideas and decisions.That’s why this should be an ongoing discussion and touch on these topics at least once a year so their wishes are clear to you.
The most important thing to remember is this: At the beginning of each talk and at the end, make sure it’s clear your words come from love. Yes, it sounds so cliched. But in this vital instance, having compassion will create and maintain trust between you. At times, being angry may feel unavoidable. In those moments, think about how it will feel when you’ll no longer hear their voices or be able to look into your parents’ eyes. Thinking on that will supplant any anger you may have with affection and appreciation.
Gather Supportive Resources
Having the conversation is a huge step, but you don’t have to do it alone. Consider:
Bringing in an elder law attorney or estate planner.
Exploring senior housing options early.
Consulting a senior move manager if transitions may be involved.
AgeWise Alliance connects families and professionals with experienced providers across every facet of later life—from legal guidance to home transitions to emotional support. Our Glossary of Professions is a great place to start if you’re unsure who to turn to.
You’re Taking the Right Step.
It’s completely normal to feel nervous, awkward, or emotionally overwhelmed by this. You care about what happens to your parents, and that matters deeply.
Start small. Plan to revisit. Keep showing up.
And when you're ready to explore more support for yourself or your loved ones, visit AgeWise Alliance’s Glossary of Professions to find the right professionals who can walk this journey with you.
About AgeWise Alliance
AgeWise Alliance provides the answers and professionals that older adults and their families need to navigate the challenges of later life. From finding trusted professionals in legal, caregiving, and financial planning to offering practical resources and expert advice on senior living communities and insurance, we make the later life shift easier for everyone.
Visit AgeWiseAlliance.com or follow us on Instagram at @agewisealliance to learn more about how we can support you and your loved ones.
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